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What is Mr. Whitekeys' Real Name?

and other frequently asked questions

Here are The Best rumors we have heard lately about Mr. Whitekeys:

I Heard Mr. Whitekeys Is Dead!

     One afternoon in early June, we got an email in which a friend of Mr, Whitekeys’ cousin’s husband said, “It’s too bad Whitekeys isn’t doing any more shows because he DIED!”

     Holy Smokes!  This was big news, so we asked Whitekeys for clarification.  He said, “Well after spending the whole holiday weekend scraping the moss off my roof, I wasn’t feeling my best—but I had no idea it was this serious.”  

     He also added:  “Elvis has always made more money when he was dead, so who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?”

What is Mr. Whitekeys' real name?

    The only people who ask that question are asking it so that they can prove they are "insiders" who know some kind of secret.  In fact, the real insiders who really DO hang out regularly with Mr. Whitekeys just call him "Keys."  Everyone who tries to call him anything else is just acting like a dork.

     Keys says, "If people don't want to call me 'Keys,'  I really don't mind if they use 'Your Majesty.' "

     Then there was the writer for The Anchorage Press who eloquently described his remembrances of the old days when Mr. Whitekeys played banjo at the Woodshed.  Keys enjoyed the article immensely.  The only way it could have been better would have been if he had ever played the banjo in his life, and if he had ever performed at the Woodshed!

He lives in Hawaii in the winter. (I Wish!)

He owns another bar in Hawaii.  (Not only no, but Hell No!)

He owns another bar in Palm Springs (That'd just be stupid!)

He lives in Florida in the winter.   (I'm not that Old!)